Falling Apart

Paper Mandala  5" by 5"

Just when I thought I had it all together, it all fell apart again.  I'm sure many of you can relate to that statement.  Right now I certainly can.   My world has crashed and burned.  All my carefully laid plans are wisps of smoke.  

Great philosophers tell us that you judge a person, not by how they act when things are going well, but by their actions when things are going wrong.  This is how you can tell if a person is enlightened.   It is also a time to grow and become stronger.

Oh, goody.  Now I have the opportunity to get stronger and to be more enlightened <--heavy on the sarcasm here.

When I am hurting, my first instinct is to curl up in a ball and whimper in a corner somewhere.  It doesn't do any good.  It has never solved the problem, but it's what I want to do.  

After a soothing bout of self-pity, my next move is often to feel anger. Resentments flare.  The anger is never rational, and frankly, it is often directed at God -- which does not do a lot of good.

Then, I pout.  

Then I become terribly afraid, because I cannot see a way out.

Then I calm down and try to see what can be done in the situation.

I wish I could claim the wisdom to be able to go through these stages and stay in the 'solution' stage, but alas, I bounce back and forth, to and fro among all the different feelings, in no particular order.

I am very inventive.  I come up with lots and lots of plans.  Very few of them are the slightest bit feasible, but at least I'm trying.  I do wish there was someplace I could go and ask "Is this a good choice?  What about that idea?"  Alas, I know of no crystal ball that will grant my wish.

So I search for wisdom.

Mandalas are supposed to help with prayer, healing and meditation.  I gaze at the Mandala at the beginning of this post and no wisdom comes forth.  No answers.  But after a while I do find it calming.  My eyes travel the paths in and out.  I don't feel comforted, exactly, but I do feel better.  Perhaps it is the colors.  Perhaps it is hypnotic in some way.  I don't know.

I do know that we all face trials and we all do what we can to cope with them.   I am praying for widom.  What do you pray for?